Who Divided By Umineko?
by Punishment Prez
Summary: Just who the hell did this impossible crime! It wasn't me! The Umineko cast just went down the drain with this collection of weird pairings, mishaps, and just about anything else I missed in this summary!
1. Chapter: Cookies!

**Who Divided By Umineko?!?** _Chapter: Cookies!!!_

"Touch my damn cookies again," Ronove said in a gansta tone to Eva-Beatrice. "You don't have to worry about anymore damn twilights on this island. Ever!" He cleaned up the cookies she knocked to the floor and left out of the room.

"HAHA! Bee-yotch!" Gaap jeered at Evatrice. Evatrice went into a nearby corner and died crying.

"Now I gots time to give Ronove angry butt smex!" Gaap cheered and disappeared in a poof.


	2. Chapter: None!

**Who Divided By Umineko?!?** _Chapter None!!!_

This is a story of stupidness, but it's retarded!

"Yes! Hello baby, I'm home!!!" Battler said to Beato as he walked through a happy home's door.

Beato burned him. He died.

The End ^o^


	3. Chapter: Spices!

**Who Divide By Umineko?!?** _Chapter: Spices!!!_

"Oh, Kanon-kun, may you please pick that up for me?"

Gohda had dropped one of his spice containers on the floor (the same one) for like the fifth time today. "Yes sir *emo sigh*," Kanon said a little annoyed as he bent over to pick it up. Gohda stared at the boy's backside like a true pervert.

He was about to walk up behind the boy (give him a friendly tap on the $$) for some *nice* sexual harassment. Before Kanon could bend his body upwards (he felt a *presence* behind him) Genji walked into the kitchen.

Gohda was *super* stabbed by Genji's beast Furniture Skillz! The two knives lodged into Gohda's eyes. It was indeed a tragedy.

"Ain't nobody raping minors," the old man said as he walked towards a very relieved Kanon.

"Unless it's me…Kanon, pick the spice container up for me please." Genji demanded.


	4. Chapter: Dammit Ama!

**Who Divided By Umineko? Chapter:**Dammit Ama!

1998 Ange and Amakusa arrived on 1986 Rokkenjima (By some Random act of God)…

_October 4__th__, 8:00 p.m._

"And I said: bandana banana!" Amakusa finished a horrible joke to which Gohda and Shannon laughed. The five of them (Ange and Kanon were not so amused) walked into the mansion's grand dining room. "Milady, it seems we have extra guests that have been forced to escape a horrible killer in this weather!" Gohda is such a drama queen! Natsuhi nodded with a sympathetic look. "Aww :3! Come and stay with us for as long as you need! What are your names?"

"I'm Gretel… This is my cousin, Hansel—"

"Yo! The name is Amakusa, but you may call me Juuza!" That man is *soo* ghetto! Ange did a mental face-palm. Lightning crackled outside, and on cue…Battler walked into the room behind them! His eyes filled with amazement. And so did Amakusa's. "_**OMG!**_That's your brother?" He thought he was whispering, but indeed, everyone heard him. "No wonder you're going crazy over 'im! You could have told me!" Juuza pouted, because this was the exact reason why she hadn't told him.

After elbowing the silver-haired man (very hard) Ange reverted her sight back to her lovable onii-chan. "My name is Gretel, how are you tonight?" She hoped with all of her might that he remembered her as she greeted in English. "Heey! I am fine!" Battler replied, his face also looking a bit teary-eyed. He immediately realized that this young girl was his sister; but for some reason, she had to keep that as a secret to everyone. Amakusa looked back and forth at them with a weird look.

"Hey Ange… Why the hell are you calling yourself 'Ghetto'? This is your family so…" Amakusa paused; obviously remembering something.

_Flashback Time!_

_"Hey…Amakusa! Did you hear me? We have to keep a low profile for now… So I'm changing my name to Gretel and you'll be Hansel. Got it?" Ange really didn't want to bring this man on her secret mission to Rokkenjima; she just felt as though she owed him._

_Time was frozen with their conversation. Amakusa was perusing through an empty magazine stand at a nearby corner. _

"_Oohh! Look Ange; they even have a Playgirl section," Amakusa told her excitedly._

_Flashback End!_

Amakusa was flipping through the same Playgirl (oh yes Playgirl and not Playboy; no mistake!). "Oh sorry; did you say something?" He asked Ange.

Battler and Ange face-palmed each other (epically I might add) as the rest of the family members were struck dumb, and Kyrie and Rudolf the most shocked of all.

XD: 3 :3 :3 XD

"This recipe is really tasty! What's in it," Maria asked curiously while chomping on a hamburger. "American season salt," Kanon replied flatly for the man.

"How did you know Kanon-kun?" The girl asked innocently.

"He dropped it on the floor…Many times," the boy said. (Hint Hint Hint O.o) "It really does taste great," Battler agreed, as Ange and everyone else nodded.

"_**I LUV AMERIKA!"**_ Kinzo yelled at the front of the table. With a troll face.

The family quietly finished their DINNER.


	5. Chapter: Best Dad Ever!

**Who Divided by Umineko?:** _Chapter: Best Dad Ever!_

"Listen up you two," Rudolf said solemnly once the door to the bedroom was locked. Kyrie and Battler nodded. "Tonight, I might be killed." Thunder rumbled and lightening flashed outside dramatically.

Kyrie and Battler…nodded. "And your point is…?" The two urged him to continue.

He aggressively moved towards his son and clasped the teen's hands into his, as if to entreat him.

"So it's time to get connected!" He said happily. "Oooh! You gonna buy me a Metro. Or a T-Mobile would be nice; with an iPhone or something," Battler became excited. "The hell is an iPhone?" Kyrie asked Rudolf.

"No; I mean, let's have a _**THREESOME!**_" Rudolf cheered!

…."Kyrie-san!" Battler turned to the woman in disbelief. "Well, he's right. Let's do it Battler-kun," She smiled creepily. "B-But why," He asked. "_**DOSHITE?—"**_

"'Cuz it's logical," Kyrie said flatly.

"Oh, well that makes sense…" Battler concurred.

The two pervs high-fived each other like giddy teenagers. Battler… That poor boy never got his iPhone. It was a tragedy.


	6. Chapter: All Aboard Kinzo's Fail Boat!

**Who Divided By Umineko?:** _Chapter: All Aboard Kinzo's Failboat!_

Kinzo burst open his laboratory windows; it was a fresh, breezy, sunshiny day!

"It's good to be _ALIVE!_" Kinzo said… oddly happy. And something came over him; he wanted to go out on the sea! "Kanon-kun! Get ready for some fun!"

Kanon was quietly standing right behind the man. He had a confused a expression for multiple reasons, but the main one was that he didn't recognize the word _'fun'_ in his furniture vocabulary.

And he was afraid… _Very, very_ **afraid.**

"All of us men shall take to the sea! Get all of the dudes on this island ready with supplies!" _{And yet another word Kanon did not recognize:'dudes'}_

_20 awkward minutes later of wondering what 'dudes' were…_

Kanon, Dr, Nanjo _{wrong island, wrong time}_ Gohda _{in very tight Daisy Dukes_}, Genji and Krauss _{… Both of them were speechless for their own reasons…} _waited at the dock.

"_**ARE YOU READY FOR ADVENTURE?"**_

Kinzo yelled as he rolled out of a nearby bush, causing all of the men to yelp in surprise. "Let's get movin'," Kinzo said before any objections were made. Kinzo, in an American Navy _{how the hell did he get that?}_ uniform jumped abroad **S.S. Sea Catz****!** Inside the commander's place, he revved the boat's engine.

Krauss turned to Genji; he was afraid… _Very, very __**afraid.**_

"Genji-san, are we—"Genji finished Krauss' question. "At this point in time, I really don't know anything anymore," He said to the man who held his mouth open in shock. And then everyone knew {except Gohda} that all hope was lost. After one last, quick prayer, the rest of the men hurried on the boat.

Captain Kinzo sailed the boat expertly as he blasted one of his favorite tunes on the radio by Silver Forest. "PETTAN~PETTAN _**TSURU**_**PET~TAN!"** He jammed along with the song.

And somewhere in her room, Jessica sneezed while listening to the same song she was practicing for her school festival; it was horrible.

On the starboard, the men were actually beginning to enjoy themselves. "This isn't so bad," Krauss said. He popped open a beer from a cooler. "Yeah!" Kanon agreed animated for once in his life. "Oh boy!" Nanjo and Gohda laughed as a giant fish swam along side them. Genji even gave a slight smile as the warm sun and cool mist from the ocean relaxed him. "YA_HOO_," Kinzo whooped from his control station.

And then '_**it happened'**_…

"Cap'n, we are approaching… a sea cow… or something!" Nanjo yelled urgently. "The hell is a sea cow doing here; that a bit too random for me," Krauss said confused. "I wanna pet him!" Gohda and Kanon supported. Kinzo came on board to see the dilemma. There was something a few kilometers in the distance, a big lumpy thing.

"Like, _**OMFG**_! All hands on poop deck! We can't hit that poor creature! _{O_o}_"Everyone nodded and saluted with: "yes father" and "Ushiromiya-san" and "what not". The now youthful man ran back to his steering wheel. "Ichi, ni, SA~AN!" He counted to three and turned hard on the controls, it was such a hard turn that-_/Uh-oh!/_

"You did it Kinzo-san… Hey what's wrong," Nanjo asked his best pal, because he had turned to adorable Chibi Mode. An adorable giant sweat drop appeared on the man's face. "Nyaa~!" He whined and held up the wooden steering wheel to Genji.

"Can you fix this pwease?" Everyone froze at the realization of what this meant. And the ship sped forward by some horrible, random act of Zeus, and would not slow down. It was hell bent on to the island.

_1 minute later of face-palms…_

The boat had finally made it to Rokkenjima. Zeus had decided to take a coffee break, and printed the job down to his office neighbor Hermes, who then faxed it to Aries.

And thus, S.S. Sea Catz rammed past the dock, flew into the air _{rocketed by a rock that substituted as a ramp}_, soared to the other side of the island, and finally landed into Kuwadorian.

Kinzo had a lot of 'xplaining to do when he got home.

_32 minutes later… {Two of the minutes were needed to explain Kuwadorian}_

"But it wasn't my _FAULT!_" Kinzo whined to Natsuhi as she shook her head fervently.

"Father, I said no and that is final!" She said decisively. "And everyone, go to your rooms right now and get ready for dinner later," Every one of the men scurried out of the parlor, fearful of Natsuhi's wrath.

Kinzo was pleading not to be grounded for a day; but he was out of luck.

Everyone was banished from desert for a week. It was a tragedy.

Somewhere, Zeus burnt his tongue on some coffee, Hermes stained his favorite tie with ink, and Aries got a paper cut. All in all, it was another tragedy.


	7. The Culprit is Revealed!

**Who Divided By Umineko?** _ The Culprit is Revealed!_

**Spoilers for Episode 5!**

"OH NO! Oh no no NO!" Battler and Natsuhi yelled at the ridiculous theory Bernkastel conjured with Lambdadelta. "Oooh~ Natsuhi, you know you love you some old man Kinzo-lovin'," Bern said with her signature troll face. "_You've been sexin' that man in your room!" _The witch said in blue. "This is what had happened," Lambda said. (She has very good Engrish)

_*Flashback!*_

"Flash back waves gives me headaches," Natsuhi commented as their visions spun away.

_*Flashback!*_

-_Sometime before this year, 10:30 p.m._

_Kinzo: (looking out at night sky) Oh Bea-tor-riiche! How I love you~! (a knock sounds at his room door) Who dat is? Do not bother me in my epic-ness!_

_Natsuhi: (badly dressed as Beatrice): It is I, your love Beatrice! (her wig falls off, but she quickly puts it back on. Kinzo opens his door)_

_Kinzo: BEATO… ( silenced by fingers on his lips)_

_Natsuhi: (seductively) Shhh… Let's make magic tonight…_

_Kinzo: Oh yeah!_

_Natsuhi: Oh yeah!_

_Kool Aid Man: OH JYEAH!_

_*Flashback End*_

"Oh no what the Fukai Mori was that? I don't speak in that manner at all!" Natsuhi yelled at the two lesbo witches. "What is Kool-Aid Man doing there," Battler asked incredulously to no one in particular.

"**THAT LOOK'S LIKE ME? ARE YOU MAD? ARE YOU F^CKING RETARDED?" **

Beatrice came out of nowhere and began a rant about the flashback, she was obviously offended.

"All of you hoes step back for a moment," Genji parted through a sea of Siesta Sisters in the witches court and stepped up to Battler and everyone else.

"OH JYEAH!" Kool-Aid Man busted into a wall of the court and was instantly stabbed by Genji, who always carried a blade up his sleeve. "Shut that shit up for a minute… This is what really happened that night…" Genji began to tell the tale as Kool-Aid Man bled to death near Erika.

_*Flashback #2*_

_~Sometime before this year, 9:00 p.m._

Genji was the culprit… Genji-san had done the impossible….

_**RONOUE GENJI DIVIDED BY UMINEKO!**_

_Beatrice: What wonderful magic… I shall turn over all of my magic to you; Genji-san is the true successor to the head! Tell me, how the hell you pulled that off?_

_Genji: Fairly easily. Let me explain…_

{The explanation required exactly 1 hour and 29 minutes.}

It was then that Genji succeeded Beatrice, and thus he was proclaimed as the new Witch of Division: Genji-trice!

Then there was one place this man needed to visit…

_Genji-trice: Yo Master! I know you're still alive in there! Open the door plz!_

_Kinzo: Who dat is?_

_Genji-trice: The new Beatrice! And plus the new person who divided by Umineko!_

_Kinzo: (swings door open) Oh wtf? I promised to have sex with the person who could find the answer to this plot! That is the purpose of this short series right?_

_Genji-trice: Well yeah, isn't it?_

{Both of them deadpanned at the camera, and broke the Fourth Wall wonderfully.}

_Genji-trice: (pats his blonde hair) Then get yo ass in the bed! I have the official answer!_

_Kinzo: Hot damn! Then tell me… (Genji whispers him the answer inaudibly) Well… looks like I'm getting' f&%#ed to-nite!_

_Genji-trice: OH YEAH!_

_Kinzo: OH YEAH!_

_Kool-Aid Man: **OH JYEAH!**_

_*Flashback #2 End*_

"And that's what had happened." Genji finished speaking while everyone stood there shocked for their own reasons. "Yep!" Kinzo said from behind Natsuhi.

"So Yeah… Well I guess Natsuhi can't be paired with Kinzo… okay…" Lambda said in a small voice. "I fold." Erika said and she left out through the main door of the court. It was later confirmed that she tripped onto a very sharp hoe that was left out in the rose garden. Yes she died, and no, it was not a tragedy.

"Yeah so he's Beatrice, not me," Beatrice said. "I want my name to be Rayquoanda. See ya later." The blonde witch erased her form. The other mythical people followed suit.

_And then there was one…_

Battler was the last person left.

He was traumatized, humiliated, and very scared. But most of all confused…

_**And then he knew…**_

The answer to all of the mysteries on Rokkenjima and the truth about Beatrice was…

"_Spaghetti…"_ The young man said silently to himself…

And then gold butterflies surged all around the empty court, and a figure formed in front of Battler.

It was Wee-trice. Luigi/Weegie, the great which of Spaghetti.

"For one thousand years I have been searching all of Mario World to find the one who knew the truth," Wee-trice told the teen solemnly. "You… You idiot!" Battler wailed as Wee-trice gave a sigh. "That riddle was way too damn hard… Why didn't you just tell me…?"

"**Ushiromiya Battler. I am going to kill you now…"** Wee-trice said in a soft tone while speaking with the red.

"**The next riddle, the true riddle, is to solve the Multiplication of Umineko."**

Battler died gently, and it was indeed, a true (temporary) TRAGEDY!

_

* * *

_

_End_


End file.
